I do, I do, I do, I do, I do...

Today, I am mainly sweating in places I never knew existed...

I know, I know, ladies don't sweat, so I am in fact glowing in places I never knew existed.  Now that sounds better, if not slightly concerning bearing in mind that coupled with the tropical temperature today, I am also mid menopausal flush as I write.  Not even the HRT can withstand today's sunshine it would seem.

There is a line from Blackadder which always makes me think of days like today.  '...being sticky as Sticky the stick insect stuck on a currant bun'.  Since the start of this week, I have managed to lose three layers of skin getting up from my mock leatherette office chair too quickly, I have a heart shaped inverted tattoo on my chest where I fell asleep with my necklace on and I have more white lines than an 80's pop star has on his dining table.  

I need to get rid of the white lines as I'm off to Italy in a few weeks to watch daughter number one get married to her fiancé, Arthur Daley (he's in the motor trade, but no sheepskin coat you'll be pleased to hear).  The way I look at the moment, I'll need to adapt one of those 1970's macramé pot holders to cover them all up.  If the sunshine doesn't do what's needed to fill in the gaps, the husband reliably informs me that he has a Sharpie Pen which might do the trick.

Talking of the wedding, the husband is planning his speech which, in time honoured tradition, will be expected from him. His planning to date has involved this comment...

'Notes?  I don't need notes.  What I say will come from the heart'.

It could also come from under the table or from inside a loo if the drink hits him too soon.  At least if it's written down, I can get son number one to stand in while I'm in the loo with him holding his hair off his face - that in itself is hilarious as the husband is to hair what Henry VIII was to wives.  Most of it has parted company with him, and what is left is hanging in there by a thread.

But he has his outfit all ready to go.  This involves a rather lovely jacket.  As it will probably be hotter than it is here today, I'm giving that around seven minutes before it's slung into eternity via a dining chair, never to be seen again.   I've bought a lovely silk shift dress which should keep me cool , and I can't wait to see daughter number one as she says '1 do'.

I wish they'd update the marriage vows though.  Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to say 'I might' or 'I do, but not in the way you're thinking sunshine'.  As all of us ladies know, the following vows would be far more sensible..

'Will you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?'

'Yes, I will'.

'Will you promise to do everything she ever asks you to do the first time?'

'Yes, I will'.

'Will you accept that she is never wrong?'

'Yes, I will'.

Will you manage at least fifteen 'yes, my dear' comments every week?'

'Yes, I will'.

The husband has managed to live his life to almost all of these rules, and we seem to muddle along quite nicely.  I say most of the rules...

FOURTEEN YEARS TO GET MY BATHROOM REPLACED.

That's all I'm saying...