Saturday dawned with me being in my own bed rather than camping at daughter number two's bijoux flat.
Now this should have been a moment for rejoicing, and would have been if the husband hadn't spent the last two nights having the complete bed to himself. Waking up nose-to-nose with him, I realised that violence may be on the agenda if I wanted to coax him back over to his side of the bed. Slowly bringing my left leg back, I gave him a swift kick on the shin. I am assuming it was the shin, as the resulting yelp was quieter than it would have been had I aimed a little higher I think.
So, quickly feigning sleep, he grunted and grumbled and hoisted himself over to the left hand side of the bed, and went straight back to sleep. I stretched out and dropped off too, but woke up again with the birds singing, and the husband snoring in my face.
'Oh dear God', I said, rather too loudly as it had the desired effect of getting him back over to his side, and giving a sigh, I threw in the towel and got up. Wandering around the house, it became apparent than in my absence, the husband and various offspring had had a fine old time without a grown up on the premises. Washing remained undone, floors were littered with everything from bits of sweetcorn to dog food, and a vase of dead flowers stood in isolated splendour on the kitchen table.
Now this was a puzzle. Lady H (she of the pneumatic duster and a bottle of multi surface cleaner) had been due to come in on Thursday. I had even left the money on the microwave in anticipation of her wondrous works. Looking to the top of the microwave, I worked my way through the keys, empty envelopes, sunglasses and a half eaten bag of crisps. Well, there was no money there, so either she had been, or one of the offspring had pilfered the money and spent it on beer.
Sitting in the lounge in the afternoon, while 75% of my children recovered from alcoholic poisoning and 25% from a nasty infection, I asked the husband whether Lady H had cancelled. Had she been ill? Had she got a better offer?
Well it turned out that she had been and had done a sterling job on the house in my absence. I had been gone for a mere 48 hours. What they achieved in that time undoing all her good work was incredible. Thank goodness daughter number two had made a rapid recovery.
Any longer and I doubt the house would have still been standing...