Thursday, 4 May 2017

The payback...

You'll remember how yesterday I was doing the whole 'hubble, bubble, toil and trouble' thing, trying to come up with something suitably malevolent to batter the husband with. Unfortunately, a hidden bean slicer was all I could really come up with, and Margaret, one of my lovely readers, suggested that I was being rather tame in my choice of payback.  

Which set me thinking.

This is what comes of being English you see.  We really don't like upsetting or offending anyone, and I can imagine that if the countries remaining in the EU decided to go to war against good old Blighty, then we would simply make some notes on a pretty floral notepad and then go and have a nice cup of tea while having a chat about how Mrs Clutterbuck's wisteria had ever managed to get that big.  If it was me in charge, I'd probably plump some scatter cushions on my way to the comfy chair...

So you see, the inability to really hit the husband where it hurts isn't really my fault.  

I expect that if I was Italian, my revenge would be significantly more serious being made up of a sharp tongue, a pair of scissors and an expensive suit.  There might also be a horse's head somewhere along the way.

If I were French, then I'd probably go down the food route, with some chocolate laxative hidden in a fancy pudding. Trouble is, I might be tempted to eat it myself, and Saturday night is still very fresh in my memory.

What about if I were Irish?  Well, we'd simply just head to the nearest bar and drink it dry, ending up as the best friends ever, all malice forgotten (till the Guinness wears off anyway).

And God help all of us if I were American.  The poor husband would have found himself at the pointy end of a shotgun at the first sign of that rotivator. No questions asked. 

But I'm none of these.  I'm just a middle-aged English mum who tries to lead her life in a manner which upsets as few people as possible, tiptoeing apologetically over this beautiful country, smiling inanely at all who cross my path.  

Any kind of revenge I do eke out will therefore go like this...

'Well!  It serves you right'.....pause....'Oh, I am so sorry...'

Pathetic...



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