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Words from a Bird.  Day 54

In days gone by, most of us ladies only had one method of getting anything clean, whether that be clothes, bodies or saucepans.  It basically involved hot water and a pair of hands, together with an appropriate cleaning agent.  It's all very different now, with clever bods in white coats (the clue is there already) inventing the washing machine, the shower and the dishwasher (the bane of my life).

So today, as I was reloading the dishwasher with items from last night's dinner, which hadn't quite made the grade on the squeaky clean front the first time round, it set me thinking.  What were they thinking of?  How could they have got it so wrong? 

First of all, I don't know how many compartments you have in your cutlery basket?  At the last check, I only use four different items of cutlery, these being knife, fork, dessert spoon and tea spoon.  Why do I need eight compartments then?  There will some of you out there who unlike me are quite happy to mix up your various items across the length and breadth of the basket.  Not on my watch lady...  There's one for knives, one for forks, one for dessert spoons and one for tea spoons.  Of course, this leaves four empty compartments, and if I don't balance the basket accordingly, when I lift it out onto the worktop to empty it, the basket will fall over, spewing its shiny contents straight onto my floor. 

Ah, I hear you say, you should put the spatulas, fish slices and wooden spoons into the remaining compartments of the basket.  Can't do this either as the ridiculously low water sprinkler will either decapitate my taller utensils or just grind to a halt, relentlessly battering against them for an hour and a half and only washing half the load. 

So I put these across the top shelf, making sure that they are all facing upside down.  There's nothing lovelier than emptying the dishwasher and discovering that your soup ladle has developed its own amoebic life infrastructure at 60 degrees - two bleached baked beans and a piece of sweetcorn swaying gently in its murky depths.

Saucepans have to go on the top shelf, allowing the top and bottom sprinklers to work together as befitting that stuck on, burnt stuff ( blame the chef...).  Of course, no matter how many times I have told the husband, a small saucepan with a large saucepan on top of it, will result in a large pan with a dirty inside, and a small pan with a dirty bottom....round they go again for a second time, but this time separated by two slotted spoons and a fish slice (upside down of course).

It amazes me that on occasions items have been removed from the dishwasher and PUT AWAY dirtier than when they went in.  Far easier to stick it into the cupboard than make a rational decision about doing the Finish Quantum Merry-go-Round again...

The other favourite pastime in my house is not putting the damn thing on when it's full.  This is down to the fact that as it is programmed to a short cycle, there's a good chance that the same person might still be around in time to empty it.  I have named this irrational fear of emptying 'Stacknophobia'.

So I will continue trying to train the other inhabitants of this house as to the do's and don'ts of dishwasher stacking/emptying.  If things don't improve, I shall try one of two things.  I shall send them round to my mother's house for a course of lessons.  She is the Queen of Quantum, the Duchess of Dishwashing. If this doesn't have the desired effect, there is only one option left to me.

Remove the fuse...

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