Sunday, 24 January 2016

Red Light Spells Danger..

Words from a Bird.  Day 24

Today, the husband received his full results back from the Health Test which he had done a couple of weeks ago.  I should have known that it was good news, as he couldn't wait to thrust it under my nose as I walked through the door.

Barely giving me time to take off my coat, let alone get the vari-focals out of my bag, he started saying, 'See!  See!  I'm fit!  I'm healthy!  I got greens for everything!' 

At this point, you are probably as much in the dark as I was, so feigning interest (and sight) I replied, 'That's brilliant, let me have a look then'.  As I was still holding three shopping bags, my handbag, a pair of gloves and my car keys, he had to hold the booklet, turning the pages slowly.  Admittedly, he was thoughtful, holding it more than an arm's length away as he had spotted I was not wearing the glasses.  However, I still couldn't make out the small print, but I could recognise the easy 'Let's assume you have the reading capability of a five year old' colours at the end of each section.

It's done like a watered down traffic light system.  If you have a green square, you are in The Smug Zone, looking forward to a long, healthy life.  Pale peach is the Early Warning Square.  What they're saying is 'Shape up, or Ship out...quite soon'.  The red square is the one to avoid.  What this one is telling you is 'Don't bother reading any long books, or start watching any box sets from Netflix.  You should also think seriously about holidays over the next few months.  Pick a local mini-break rather than a fortnight abroad'. 

So the husband was green squares all the way.  This is a very good thing as far as I am concerned, as I have watched while he denied himself many of life's pleasures since January 4 (the date of the test).  Alcohol had been banned, along with bread, butter, coffee, kebabs, anything from Greggs and sweets (these were only allowed at the cinema - I think we all accept that these are part of the whole big screen experience).

Any woman sharing her home with a man will currently be reading this with a knowing smile. January is a very hard month for all us girls as husbands go dry to compensate for the liver-massacre through December.  It's been like living with Vlad the Impaler the last few weeks.  Fortunately, I hadn't felt the need to give up anything, so good old Mary Poppins here has been able to keep Vlad from living up to his name on several occasions.

I for one will welcome the return of the empty Greggs bag.......









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