Share with me...

A few weeks ago, Miss R brought round some treats for Percy and Reg (my two four-legged fuzzballs).  Rummaging around in her hand bag, she proudly pulled out a pair of pigs ears.  I should reassure you that these were not still connected to a pig, nor did they originally belong to one owner judging by the difference in size.  

I can't begin to tell you what excitement this caused in my kitchen.  Percy, being the elder of the two, got his ear first, and positively goose-stepped across to the back door, his prize firmly clamped between his gnashers, just in case Reg didn't get one, and 'sharing' was required.  He went out into the garden with it, and remained there in isolated splendour (in the dark, I should add) for a whole hour and a half, till it was all gone.

Reg got his and skulked off to the lounge.

I like to think that maybe they discussed this new addition to their menu while chatting before bedtime...

Reg: 'Bleedin' 'ell, Perce. Wot woz that the auntie gave us?' (Reg has adopted a pseudo-Essex accent since joining us.  I put this down to a particularly common Westie at puppy classes)

Percy: 'Reginald, my dear boy, I really don't have a clue as to its origin, but I think that you and I can both agree that it was quite sublime'.  (Percy likes to talk like a 1950's BBC news reporter, all clipped vowels and stiff upper lip.  There is also a whiff of Larry Grayson about him, if you get my drift).

Reg:  'Yeah , it woz luvverley.  Shame you 'ad to go and nick mine though, you miserable old sod.  I 'ate it when you pulls rank'.

Percy:  'Reg, old chap, it's just the way of the world.  You should just get used to it.  While the small humans are not living in the house, you have to accept that you are quite possibly the last in the pecking order'.

Reg: 'Will it get better when them little bleeders come 'ome then?  I can't say I miss 'em, especially that one we 'ave to share our bed wiv.  She's a bloomin' nuisance with her loud telly and snorin'.

Percy: 'I adore it when the small humans come home.  There's always tit-bits on the floor, and almost too much stroking..if that is actually possible'.  Percy has made a joke here, which is very unusual as he went to the Jack Dee School of Mirth.  In olden times, Percy would have been described as 'curmudgeonly'.

Reg: 'I like 'angin' out wiv the big son, the one wiv the pritty gelfriend.  If only I woz ten years older and 'ad two less legs, I'd be in there, mate'.

Percy: Raises eyebrows and purses lips.  'I like the smaller girl.  She always seems to be control of things, and even manages to keep you in check, young Reg'.

Reg: 'But she never brings us treats 'cos she likes to eat 'elfy food.  I don't know 'ow elfs look so bleedin'  'appy if that's all they get.  I'd be bloody miserable'.

Percy: 'And then there's that tall boy who doesn't seem to be here much now. I don't mind going in his room now that Dog Mum has cleaned it.  I never knew what I might catch venturing into there'. 

Reg: 'Oh Perce, 'is room never frightened me.  I've eaten most of the stuff 'e's dropped on the floor over the years, and there ain't not much wrong wiv me'.

Percy: (Struggling with the previous double negative)  'Quite.  Now young Reg, it's time to sleep.  I'm going to dream all night about that rather marvellous pig's ear.  Will you do the same, do you think, old boy?'

Reg:  'Nah.  I'm gonna stick wiv the pritty gelfriend.  At least she'd be somefink you wouldn't nick off me like that bleedin' pig's ear...'

Like I said....Larry Grayson...



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