Preparation is under way in the house for the few days away with Miss R and the Mother. There are several matters which have been addressed over the last six months to avoid being left behind at any part of the holiday, as Miss R and the Mother are a lot fitter than me, and I have to be able to keep up as it were. So, here's what's been achieved so far...
Liver has been in active training since Christmas, taking on small quantities of alcohol so as not to fall as the first Valpolicella hurdle. The Mother and Miss R are renowned for their massive capacity for the red stuff, and one doesn't want to show them up by passing out in a plate of pasta on the first night. My aim is to be able to stay conscious right up to the final Limoncello course.
Some weight has been dropped and some inches removed (through exercise I should point out, and not by the surgeon's knife or with extra strong cling film). There have been occasions over the years, when the person who has sat next to me poolside for the week has gone home whiter than when they arrived, what with having been in the shade of my derriere for most of the time. This time, it will be tans all round (weather permitting of course, although fake tan will be packed just in case, as there is nothing worse than coming back from a week away with a blue tinge).
So far, so good, but yesterday saw the beginning of the serious stuff. The filing, painting, sandblasting and dyeing which is as much part of the preparation as is the getting of the suitcase from under the bed. So I had my toenails painted yesterday. These have spent the last six months festering in various woolly socks and boots, and yesterday was the big reveal.
I'm not going to lie. There was an element of embarrassment as I watched the lovely Penny beaver away for an hour, her head bent in concentration. Of course, I was assuming she was concentrating, but perhaps she didn't want to look up at me, afraid that something might be said along the lines of 'how did you let them get into this state?' You see, I'm a great believer in that if it can't be seen, then it doesn't matter. The husband doesn't tend to wear his varifocals to bed, so my feet are even invisible to him.
And then there are the legs.....not being a fan of pain, waxing is a no-no, so I splashed out on a new razor yesterday. Looking at my legs this morning, I think that a scythe might have been a more useful tool - I'll be able to stuff a pillow by the time I've finished with them.
Talking of my toenails, they really made me jump today.
I'm just not used to seeing something sticking out of my pyjama bottoms which doesn't require an 18 certificate...