Wednesday, 16 November 2016

You wear it well...

We're having a big family do next weekend, and now that my industrial strength knickers have arrived (don't you just love Amazon Prime) there is a slightly higher than average chance of me getting into my dress of choice.  Looking at the knickers, they are so small that I may have to resort to a tab of Vaseline and a couple of shoehorns to get them on.  I'll worry about getting them off again at the end of the party, but hopefully, the alcohol will numb the pain as the elastic removes several layers of skin and a kneecap as I drag them down over my legs...

So the invite said 'Smart Casual', which always sends me into a frantic downward spiral, resulting in every piece of clothing I possess being tried on and discarded onto one of two piles.  There is the Definitely Not Pile (always the smaller of the two) and then there is the Does This Pass As Smart Casual As I Really Don't Have A Bloody Clue What That Means Pile (this usually takes up most of my bedroom floor).

It's very easy for men when they get this clothing guidance on their invitation, as they know it means chinos (not jeans), a shirt (with or without tie) and a jacket.  For those gentlemen who naturally veer towards a more formal dress code, then a suit is also acceptable.  When you think about it, all Smart Casual says to a bloke is no dinner suit or jeans, anything else is perfect.  But for us girls, it's a bloody minefield.

Because I wear jeans and leggings most of the time (courtesy of the dogs and working in Binland) when the opportunity arises to wear a dress, I normally jump at it.  I have several frothy frocks in my wardrobe, all of which I have reluctantly put on the Definitely Not Pile, as they have either netting, sequins, a train or sparkles which pushes them towards a Black Tie event (there's no confusion as to what that dress code is).  Next on the list are a couple of maxi dresses, which although lovely, are made of jersey.  Therefore, they are strictly for summer use only (think barbecue, cricket, school speech day etc). 

And don't get me started on black trousers.  I am fully aware that these can be a staple item of clothing, easily adapted to any scenario depending on which top you put with them, but to me, they just don't cut it for a Smart Casual look.  I do remember someone once telling me that we only register what someone is wearing from the waist upwards.  I could have saved some money and not bought those industrial strength knickers if that's true. 

But if you decide that trousers are the way forward, it's then the turn of the accompanying footwear to screw you over.  No boots, no suede, no flats, no wedges.  Well once I had mentally discarded all shoes which fell into these categories, all that was left in the way of footwear in my wardrobe was a pair of knitted slipper boots with one sole missing (thank you Reg).  So trousers were off the list of possibles.

So back to my dresses.  I managed to whittle it down to four which could be suitable.  Dresses 1, 2 and 3 were reluctantly put to one side.  This was because no manner of industrial knicker was going to allow me to get the zips done up.  Actually, it would still have been difficult even if I'd had liposuction done and had a leg removed.  That's a little bit extreme though, and I don't fancy pogo-ing all night with my one leg...

So I eventually settled on a lovely red dress, lacy with a little give so that the industrial strength knickers won't have to work so hard.  I say this, but there are four days and a Fish and Chip Night between now and the dress, and there's not that much room available for any more expansion.

Not to worry, I have my Uncle Fester cassock on standby with a pair of beaded sandals and a pretty clutch bag ...

Perfect...
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