Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Back of the van...

Driving to work yesterday morning it occurred to me that although I had spent half of the weekend tramping up and down hills and beaches with my bearded friends, I had unfortunately spent the other half eating.  This might explain why my work trousers were just that little bit reluctant to do up.  But I persevered, and isn't that what loose jumpers are for after all?

I had the misfortune to be following a white van as I went to Binland yesterday, and sitting behind it at the roundabout, I came to the conclusion that there is an unwritten rule as to what must be on the back of most commercial vehicles, hastily scrawled with a finger into the layer of dirt.  Here's what he had on his one:

'I wish my wife was as dirty as this van'...
Now this is open to debate - I don't think that there is a man alive desperate enough to want a woman covered from head to toe in road detritus, that being road sweepings, fag ash and the odd bit of road kill, or maybe there's an alternative meaning to this...

'Also available in white'...
This can be amended to red/blue/green, depending on your van colour.  Again, this does nothing except draw to your attention to the fact that the van driver has no pride in his vehicle.  I would probably question the standard of his work if he can't even stick the van through the car wash once a week.

'MUTD are To**ers'
Again, probably not completely accurate, but depending on who your football team is, you might want to argue the point.  Funnily enough, I have never seen a woman driving a car stating that a rival Zumba class had the same problem.

But my own personal favourite is...

A crudely drawn image of the male crown jewels....
Now I've seen these drawn in many different shapes and sizes over the years, and I have often wondered if the van driver draws his own on his back door.  Perhaps it's a silent insult from an employee or an ex-wife.  If this is the case, I would imagine that the artist would err on the side of small where dimensions were concerned.

Us ladies do things rather differently.  We tend to treat our cars as an extension of our home, with flowers placed in the cup holders and a packet of wipes in the glove compartment to wipe up any spills or paw prints (or is that just me?)

With regard to artistic modifications, we like to emphasise the family side of things, with 'Princess on Board' stickers in the rear window, or stick drawings of the entire family.  It's just as well that I don't have one of those stickers in my rear window, as with my lot, I wouldn't be able to see a thing.  We also like to put an informative or supportive message in our rear windows when it's called for. 'Keep Britain Farming' was popular but the  'I slow down for horses' sticker was always a firm favourite.  The latter implies that you may have a horse of your own, and are therefore rather well off. 

So you see, women can use stickers to hint at a perfectly wonderful life, with a husband, several children, a Labrador and possibly a horse.

Men just like us to know which football team they don't support.

Oh and how big their d**k is...

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