It would appear that I am to have my fifteen minutes of fame. You may remember me talking about the lovely lady who interviewed me about how I feel about the menopause (seven hotties yesterday- not a good day to ask. I realised that I had missed three days of the Red Clover, and am putting it down to that rather than my aging body throwing itself off a cliff).
Going back to the lovely lady, she has decided that I am to go onto the television and talk to the unsuspecting public about what is happening to me in the withering woman department.
Now, this has raised many issues. My hair, face and body are not even kitchen-ready, never mind TV-ready, and I have a list of things to do before she turns up with the cameras...
1. Book in a boob job. Bit extreme? Well you name me one famous female with a 36B bra size. No? I rest my case...
2. Speak to lovely Mrs H at Classic Beauty for back to back CACI facelifts to raise my jowls to at least knee level.
3. Shave everything
4. Get roots done - these are doing a passable impression of a runway at Terminal 5 at the moment, so vitally needed
5. Buy outfit which shouts 'Sexy Lady Not Trying Too Hard To Look Thirty Five'
6. Eyelash extensions (Too frightened to try false eyelashes after a friend's episode with a stray one and a rolled up newspaper)
7. Shave everything again - god, how that grows...
8. Bring forward dental appointment for tooth repair - if I smile, my teeth look like a row of bombed houses.
9. Back to Mrs H so that she can use the hedge trimmer on my Schnauzer brows
10. Buy industrial strength knickers to pull stomach and derriere back up to where they were about fifteen years ago (I'm being optimistic here - a forklift couldn't do that)
11. A final trip back to Mrs H for a manicure and pedicure (as well as a hedge trimmer, she is possession of an axle grinder)
12. Shave everything a third time (having realised that I'd left the cover on the blade the first two times)
And don't even get me started on the house...